Bigfoot’s iPhone

by Site Author

Big Foot

From a Wikipedia article about me:

The scientific community discounts the existence of Bigfoot, as there is no evidence supporting the survival of such a large, prehistoric ape-like creature. The evidence that does exist points more towards a hoax or delusion than to sightings of a genuine creature. In a 1996 USA Today article, Washington State zoologist John Crane said, “There is no such thing as Bigfoot. No data other than material that’s clearly been fabricated has ever been presented.”

All of that work, to convince them, and now I’ve been spotted. It happened last night. A family of five were out camping. Normally, I would stay out of sight. But this time, I was playing CandyCrush on my iPhone, and I made it to level 39. If you’ve ever played, then you know the enormity of that accomplishment. I was worried that if I moved, I would lose my score. And so now there’s a family running home to log onto Youtube, and I’ll have to spend another 70 years seeding doubt.

Maybe they’ll just think I was a bear. Or a hairy lumberjack. But I can’t count on that. I have to be realistic here: my home is going to be crawling with people—let’s be honest, single men—who have nothing better to do than chase after me. And all because of this smartphone.

I’ve tried to quit before. The phone forces me to miss out on all of the things that I used to love: the fresh air, the changing of the seasons. I used to spend hours on the forest floor, searching for termites. Now I can spend an entire day re-arranging icons so that the most important apps are on the first screen.

And now I blew my big secret all because of this stupid phone. It wasn’t like this back when I had that old Nokia. I would just use that phone for emergencies, in case I suddenly found myself in a well-lit, well-populated area. But now I can do nothing but stare at my iPhone’s little screen.